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Social Illustration: Helpless Aesthetic

During January I set myself a short project of a series of illustrations relating to each other, they are inspired by a concept design I did in late 2016 in relation to a Triptych titled ‘Lost in My Own Mind’. The original concept was in relation to my own life experiences at the time being anxious with university and moving out of my family home.
I’m the type of person that covers their inner demons with jokes and aesthetics as to distract from the pain I go through in my own head.

2016 sketch book concepts

At the time of designing these initial sketches I was coming to grips with my drawing style, what I like to draw and show in my art. The kind of 80’s space aesthetic, sailor moon inspired, sparkles and cute girls. With the actual concepts I was using this inspiration for the accents and atmosphere but the meaning behind the designs were obviously heavy and hard to see for some.

2016 Triptych

I redesigned the situation the body parts were in to better show a narrative, as well as taking away the obvious signs of self harm as to make the final design more commercial. The narrative shown is a girl overdosing, followed by the feet which symbolise the fact she is trying to end her life but shows the transition from her overdose to her reaching out for help in the final design. The middle piece alone suggests someone drowning in their feelings as they attempt to end their life by hanging, but along with the next piece is supposed to suggest the person jumping from a stool to reach the surface of their emotions and finally reach out for help.

Recently I decided to go back to the original concept art and remake the designs with a new take on the narrative. The designs themselves reflect a very tumblr aesthetic to me and remind me a lot of the damaging content from the “sad” side of tumblr that makes an effort to romanticise and normalise poor mental health, generally depression and suicidal thoughts. This is something I was influenced by from the age of 14, the self harm and depressive visuals and text that were displayed in a photographic way made the idea of depression seem attractive to myself and many others. Making you want to feel that way or continue feeling that way as it made you more interesting and deep. Obviously now that I’m older I’m well aware this is extremely toxic and not the best thing, I still appreciate depressive photography and that dark grungy aesthetic to a blog but I don’t take it so literally anymore.
With the first range of illustrations I was trying to use that literal display of emotions and sugar coat it with pastel colours and sparkles to distract from the heavy narrative as a commentary on that tumblr aesthetic. The concepts were used as part of a project for University so I had to really tone down the obvious message and try to commercialise the whole thing, this was my first experience with a type of editorial idea. I know these aren’t necessarily editorial designs however as I was working on them I wanted to imagine them alongside a body of text in a magazine or website that would talk about feelings of helplessness and depression.

Scrapped concept 2020

As I look back on these designs I originally wanted to work with that gritty, unfiltered trauma like the original concepts but again just sugar coat it with slime instead of blood and such. When I started working on it again as I did before it really took me back to who I used to be, how I used to feel. It was hard to work on them but I wanted to push through and as I did I realised I wouldn’t be the only one triggered. I might affect people the same way Tumblr did to me and I might upset people through these images which isn’t my intention. I wanted the images to feel uncomfortable to see but not in a painful way but in more of an inversion way as if you’re seeing someone’s diary. Curly, cute handwriting in a pink journal covered in glitter, explaining the difficulties of day to day life and the harsh way they view themselves and the world around them.

(Don’t) Look @me 2020

The previous version was hard hitting like I say, so I remade it in a much more subliminal fashion. Firstly, that can was supposed to say Pink Gin Soda but I forgot to write that… The idea of the can of gin is another commentary on how casual addictions are now, how self destruction is so easy to do openly and comfortably. One can on gin doesn’t make you an alcoholic, of course, but the idea of one can that adds to many becomes a symbol of the problem I’m trying to show. (This doesn’t make much sense, I’m struggling to justify the what I’m trying to show here. I hope you can break down what I’m saying and just understand 🤷🏻‍♀️)
As for the subjects arms being the only thing visible, this is something I do when I take selfies and I see other people do. My reason for covering my chest and face with my arm and having my other arm awkwardly hand to cover my stomach is simple. I think I look nice, I want to capture a happy moment, but I still hate my body. You can like how you look in one moment, with your hair or outfit a certain way, but overall still hate yourself. Something people in my life struggle to understand. I appreciate that I look nice when I just try a bit, curl my hair, bother to do my make up, wear a nice dress and suck in my gut a bit. However when I go home and I breathe out and resume my regular posture I see the real me. She’s not as confident as the other me, she’s not as together, she’s not as happy. Because she doesn’t exist. She is an alternate version of myself that I bring out to make others think I’m okay. I take pictures of her, I put on her face and wear her smile.
Seems a bit over the top explanation for a drawing of magical floating hands in space? I’ll get into that later.

Do you fit? 2020

I’m jumping ahead a bit because I worked on 2 new ideas to add to the original 3 concepts. Those 3 concepts are the hardest hitting so I think it would best suit the flow of this blog post to talk about them last. The first of course was one of the hardest as it was the most triggering, but I wanted to get it out of the way because it was the worst for me to work on and was the only one I changed the design of entirely. The others just evolved a bit to suit my style.

This design is the 4th I worked on, it again is a personal experience. That is my old mirror, with necklaces and beauty products I still have. Constant reminders of the torment I put myself through. That mirror was something I used instead of a scale because I read in a book once (I heart New York by Lindsey Kelk) something along the lines of “a woman’s worth should not be determined by the number on a scale”. So I used other means of weighing myself, because even though I took away that want to weigh myself I still had to figure out how to measure my self worth. A bra I fit in when I was 14 didn’t fit me when I was 16 (obviously) so I concluded I was fat. My favourite pair of shorts were too tight, fat. We grow as we age, we change shape entirely, our bodies grow and shrink within a month thanks to the magic of periods. I never struggled with an eating disorder, I never over exercised to be skinny. I just hated myself and put up with it.
This mirror was something I used for more than 3 years to measure if I was attractive or not. I had it on my desk and would stand at a certain distance away, if my stomach fit into the frame I was in the green, if it hit the sides I was amber and if I didn’t fit I was red. I was depressed. When I was depressed I either over ate or under ate, not to the extent of an eating disorder and not intentionally. I had toast with butter and honey on and coffee, that was a meal. That was what I ate about 4 times a day. I only ate because I am diabetic and if I don’t eat something my levels will drop and I would panic eat a packet of biscuits. None of this was to lose weight but because how I looked in that mirror added to the way I felt already and would sometimes push me over the edge.

A main aspect of this design is the body within the frame. It’s distorted. When I was 15 I had a realisation that I didn’t look… right. I used to spend hours looking at myself in the mirror, I would hold my wardrobe doors together as they had mirrors on and trap myself in an infinite collection of my face. I would see myself from every angle and just get lost. I knew I was being weird as I did it and I wouldn’t let anyone catch me doing it. When I was alone I would stare myself down, make faces sometimes, move my face, make sure my reflection wasn’t trying to trick me and move at a different time to myself. When I was 15 I realised that I did that because I didn’t look right. Since then I have always known I am in the wrong body. A few years ago I was told about body dysmorphia and I’m not sure if it is the best way to describe how I feel but it’s the best I have.
I don’t think I am ugly, I like my hair, I have good bone structure, I appreciate my appearance, I just don’t… know? Is that how I look to everyone else, am I seeing someone different? When I think my flesh suit looks nice, does anyone else agree. Do they agree to make me feel better?

A lasting reminder\broken hearted 2020

As you can tell, these illustrations bring up a lot of emotion. I have vented a lot into these cute illustrations, these aesthetic dreams of pain and miserly. I don’t think it’s healthy to talk about all of this publicly but I can’t stop. The flood gates have opened and I don’t know where to shut them, I don’t know what I need to remove without removing it all.
I’m a ball of sadness covered by a thick layer of empathy and understanding. I want to help others because it’s the only way I can feel like I am helping myself.

This illustration is another personal experience. I once cried into a pillow with my makeup on in a fit of exhaustion. There wasn’t anything I was actually crying about other than the pain of existence. That pillow still has the stain from my mascara and the opaque, grey tears that surrounded my black lashes. A cute doily pillow that has a constant reminder of depression whenever it falls over.

Head in the clouds 2020

The main point to all these illustrations is the dissociation that comes with depression (for me at least). Her head is in the clouds, something used to explain me a lot when I was growing up. I’m never fully here, in the moment. I’m always thinking about something, or nothing, but not entirely involved in reality. I drift off often, at work it’s very hard to appear present. I work in retail for my day job and I find myself waking up mid task, somewhat knowing what I am or was doing but having to pretend I’m all there while I think for a moment.
You know when you’re reading a book, you’ve gone through a page or two and you suddenly realise you took nothing in, you can’t remember what you just read for an entire page or more. That.
Sure the girl is also crying but who isn’t? She’s depressed, that’s the main theme in these illustrations. You hate yourself and you’re depressed, you’re overthinking and depressed, under eating and depressed. It’s an issue I throw into all my art work because it defines my life. Depression is something I hide and ignore everyday but when I think about myself its the first word that comes to mind. It’s a word I wouldn’t even say until about 2 years ago and it was a big word for me to say. A big label for me to put on myself. Anxiety came first, that one is easier because most people experience anxiety at some point in their life, it’s relatable. Depression is more than that, it’s not a feeling that comes and goes in a few hours. It’s something that affects your body and mind. Drags you down and bleeds you dry.

Giving up 2020

Is she dipping her toes in the ocean to relax a bit, feel the breeze and forget her troubles? Or dangling them into the water for the last time and the air leaves her lungs and her head hangs in shame and the life she’s taken from the world?

This one means the most to me. From the original concept this design depicts hanging feet, symbolising suicide, but being depicted as something more relaxing and less heavy. Someone can look at this piece and just see some feet dipped into the sea, cute accessories and a sense of peace. The peace is something different.

The reason to having these 2 meanings to the design is that the person is uncertain, they don’t know if they need a break or to die. I can’t say much else about this illustration other than that, it’s straight forward and the symbolism is obvious.

If you struggle with anything I have spoken about in this blog post I urge you to seek help with your feelings. Even if you have a mansion and friends and can feel okay that doesn’t mean your pain is not valid. Anyone can experience depression or anxiety and more. Your life does not need to be in shambles for you to feel this way. No one can tell you how you feel and your experiences are your own.

Samaritans: 116 123 (24 hour)
Elefriends: elefriends.org.uk
SHOUT sms: 85258

For more places to find help please google for call lines in your area. I promise there is someone to talk to for you if you want the help.

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Something Changed

First of all, sorry for my absence. I never expected to be away from my blog for so long, my last update being October… Right now I am writing this from my new iPad Pro, as you might know I used to use a Surface Pro 4 which tragically passed in September following a years battle with battery damage. I recently had her in for a repair but when getting it back the battery was working but the repair centre had messed with the buttons causing them to do various things they should not, as well as some screen damage to where the screen flickers lines across it and will have shadowed apps open (almost like screen burn but it isn’t burnt).

I would have loved to have my surface back up and running a few months ago but after corrupting a file I had been working on for 5 days, losing all my work, I couldn’t trust her again. My original plan was to get a new Surface Pro 6 however with the price I couldn’t justify it. Over the past couple months I have been using my dads 2nd generation iPad Pro and an Apple Pencil I bought so I could work on some art while I find a replacement and strangely I started to like the product. Looking into it people don’t seem to say you need an upgrade from gen 2 to 3 but would suggest a gen 3 if you’re getting one from scratch.

Summer Inside – Digital – 2019
(photoshop)

Now I haven’t been a huge apple fan at any point in my life. I preferred apple phones to android around the 4 and 5 models but I never loved the interface or the design of the phones, then after ditching my 5 for a Samsung S6 I was hooked on Samsung. The only apple products I’ve appreciated was their Mac’s and MacBook’s. During the reign of my Surface Pro I had been planning to start saving to build a PC for gaming and larger design work, but since playing with an iPad I will be getting a MacBook first so I have my portable devices and then will later start to build my big at home desktop. There is a lot I need to work out before I can get a larger at home PC so having smaller devices that can handle the work I do is important in the mean time. I’m glad I waited so long to move over to Apple for my design work as I’ve always been told they’re perfect for artists and I never questioned that but at this point in time there are much better products for me to utilise such as this new 3rd generation iPad. I originally ordered the 11” version but after seeing it in person I knew right away it was just far too small for me. I didn’t expect the difference to be so big and I instantly took it back to the supplier and got the 12” instead. The best thing is I got both of them from the place I work so when I ordered online I couldn’t apply my discount, however when I returned it and got the 12” in store I could get my discount applied meaning I came out with an iPad and a folio type cover with £100 left over! Talk about a bargain. While I was there I let my dad use my discount to get himself the new iPhone 11 Pro in the midnight green colour for just £765, that’s in brand new condition, in box with original accessories. If you’re considering the midnight green on this phone for yourself but unsure of it I would definitely recommend, I absolutely love the colour!
In a single day I went from convincing my dad to upgrade to the new Samsung s10 to taking him to get an iPhone 11 and honestly he seems happier to have his devices talking to each other again. Although he was loving Samsung the 3 years he was with them, he’s always been an Apple fanatic and definitely enjoys their products. His main reason for moving back however is he has had his car in for maintenance about 5 times this year because there is a fault with the Bluetooth that he needs as he drives around a lot while managing building sites. Turns out his Land Rover doesn’t like to use products outside of Apple so he’s felt his only option is to revert back.


Silver’s Room Concept Design – Digital – 2019
(Procreate)

This has turned into a bit of a diary for me today but I felt like filling you in with exactly what has been happening. I actually have a day job now, where I have been working a lot more hours than I originally wanted to. I plan on getting at least 1 day off through the week in the new year so I can schedule doctors appointments more accurately and have a definite day a week in which I can get creative, update my blog, and get my portfolio looking better. Right now I am focusing on environmental designs to show how I can work a room together, showing personality and hobbies through props and composition. With these designs I will be making more than 1 version of some to show different times of day, mood and atmosphere, and showing the room being used, things being moved around, etc. With these environmental designs I will have the character(s) that interact with the space almost unnoticeable or out of frame, in one design I have planned the character will be asleep in bed but you won’t see them directly, only through the reflection of a mirror that shows a very small part of the bed. My most recent environmental design I didn’t want the character involved to be so front and centre, had my surface not died on me I had planned to have 2 more versions of the design, one with her asleep in a face down position with her room more of a mess, and not her with steam coming into the room from the left and clothes littering the floor and bed suggesting she is getting ready for a night out while in the shower (or maybe coming home from one).
As for the future of these designs I’d also like to work on some slightly animated ones, curtains flowing, cats tail wagging, coffee steaming, etc. Simple things that change a static image to a living environment. I look forward to experimenting and working on new things on my iPad and keeping you up to date on what’s good and bad with it as a replacement for a computer based tablet like my Surface Pro.

Thanks for keeping up with me and I will do better to keep up with you moving forward!

Memoji selfie from iPad
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My Return & Plans

Apologies for my absence this past month, this blog has been used since November as a part of my academic studies and was in the process of marking so I had to abandon posting for a moment while that was all finalised. In this post I want to go over a few things from this blog and how I plan on using it in my future.

My Past Posts

Over this year I have been using this blog as part of my dissertation towards my Bachelors Degree in Illustration, although I didn’t want my posts to stink of student writing so I tried my best to fit in everything I needed for my course while also keeping it entertaining and understandable for my audience. As some of you might know I like to share reviews and my opinions on some magazines, or online videos and tutorials, as well as artists and their artwork. Breaking down processes and theorising alternative methods or comparing what is there to my own processes, evaluating how I (or possibly they) could improve or change. Continue reading “My Return & Plans”

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Creative CV: Research

I need to create a new CV that reflects my creativity into a readable written CV documenting my education, my qualifications, my passions, skills, and such. In this post I’m going to be looking at a few creative CV’s I found through google images and what aspects I have taken from them to help make a unique CV that stands out and illustrates my creativity through graphics.

Lenka Kubisova


I absolutely love these adorable CV designs in this leaflet layout, coming in this off white and brown variants look economical and with the simple design on the front I’m interested to see more. (Kubisova, 2014) Continue reading “Creative CV: Research”

Development · Goals and Reflection · Research · Social Media & Branding · Uncategorized

Online Portfolio: Building a Website

During my final months in university it is vital I prepare myself for the industry while I have the time, as well as getting feedback and a grade I’m using the time I have now as best I can to prepare my portfolio to show when I graduate. I am currently working on some illustrations that will help flesh out my physical portfolio as well as work as projects within my course, all of which I have had the opportunity to plan myself and base around what it is I want to do exactly to show my artistic niche.
Along with my physical portfolio I wanted to work on a website that will act as an online portfolio for applying to jobs online or for jobs that might be away from home allowing employers to see my work with context as it would be in a physical portfolio with me there to explain the pieces.

I first wanted to work with Squarespace as with it you can pay for a domain as well as hosting an online store within the website that is charged along with your regular membership, cutting the cost of using another store such as Etsy. Continue reading “Online Portfolio: Building a Website”

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Speedpaint: Treat yourself Breakdown

To go along with this speedpaint video I originally planned to record a commentary (which I did) however due to the length of the video I thought it might would be boring and hard to fill with relevant enough dialog. When finalising the video however I ended up speeding more of it up for a shorter playtime dropping from original 10 minutes to 6 minutes, using the time stretch at 5 opposed to 10 (originally 100 = approx 111 minutes). Instead of a commentary I looked up some royalty free music to use in the video and wanted something that would compliment the characters personality, a few songs by Elephant Funeral being “Fuckinggg Leaveee” and “What I learned From Your Mother” I thought suit the character both in titles and in genre.

I loved working on this piece as it is inspired by a friend of mine and my old house share bathroom. The overall context is based on a few survey result answers where I ask the public about their unique views on companionship and the valentines holiday. This illustration has further direct breakdown linked below. Continue reading “Speedpaint: Treat yourself Breakdown”